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Midwives, Doulas, Home Birth, OH MY!

Category Archives: parenting

The Beginning? The End?

11 Monday Nov 2013

Posted by DoulaSummer in children, family, Midwifery, parenting

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

midwifery journey, parenting

I haven’t written here in what feels like a really, really long time.  I can barely manage to find time to check my email or pop on Facebook for more than a few minutes these days, even though my schedule hasn’t changed drastically and I can’t seem to find a definitive reason for the change.

Prior to my 30 Days of Gratitude challenge, I joined a terrific online midwifery study group.  I felt like the stepping-stones on my midwifery path were finally starting to line up, as opposed to the slim-sham, hop-skip-and-a-jump pattern they’ve taken in the past.  The group was going well, I signed up for a free online course from Coursera, my favorite midwife was going to be starting a new class this fall with a distance option I could use and the kids would be … ah yes, the kids.

They’re getting older now, they don’t need me as much, with our new place we’ll have a better routine and everything is going to fall into place.  WRONG!

As I moved through my challenge, it became obvious to me that I was being completely unrealistic about my time, my finances and my family’s needs.  Damn.  The reality, when I finally chose to see it, is that my older two need even more now.  They no longer need me to get them dressed or bathe them, but they do still need to be able to talk to me often, drive them to their insane amount of activities (oldest joined the dance team, be still my dancer’s heart!), cook them meals/remind them to eat and just in general, be here.

I am so glad I can recognize that now instead of regretting it later.  However, that doesn’t make it any easier to follow through with.  I struggle with finding time for me, my interests, my pursuits…sometimes I even struggle finding time for my poor husband.  He seems to think I’m kinda cool and wants to hang out with me too.  Does anyone else ever feel pulled in five million directions??  AHHH!!!

So, where does this leave me with my midwifery journey?  I honestly don’t know.  I can only pull back so much; it’s gone too far now.  I can’t put mamas on hold and I can’t put my kids on hold.  It’s a delicate, intricate balancing act that isn’t always balanced.  Some days, I can put most of my focus on the kid’s beautiful painting projects or video game highlights or Supernatural trivia.  Other days, I have to push them to the back to assist a mama or family.  Often, neither one feels wholly okay.  I’m always letting someone down.  And then I think, It’s okay Summer, you simply can not be everything to everyone.  Be you and do what you can.

In the end, will that be enough?  I don’t know.  What I do know is that I deeply desire to have children who know, with every fiber of their being, that their mama loves them and thinks they are important to her life.  And also, that I deeply desire to be of service to birthing families and just can not fully turn my back on them.

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30 Days of Gratitude ~ Day 17

24 Saturday Aug 2013

Posted by DoulaSummer in family, lessons, parenting, reflection

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

30 day challenges, gratitude

1.  Beautiful day for the park.  We had plans to go the park with cousins today, so it was a delight to see the sun and feel the cool breeze.

2.  Enjoying cousin time.  I can’t quite describe how much I enjoy seeing my kids playing with my cousin’s kids.  It brings back all the fun memories I have of playing with my own cousins, something which I hope they will also look back on fondly some day.

3.  Enjoying cousin time.  I appreciate that *I* enjoy spending time with my cousins now, as an adult.  I especially enjoy feeling that way about those who aren’t “blood” related, but married into the family.  The lady on the bridge in the picture below is one of my favorites.

4.  Having fun at the park.  I’ve been making a concentrated effort to enjoy park time with the kids.  I leave the phone in the car and don’t expect to “get things done”.  Instead, I plan to follow M around (the only one who really needs supervision these days) doing what is requested.

5.  Running into friends I rarely see.  I’m accustomed to seeing people I know when I’m out and about; it’s one of the hazards of living in a small town since birth.  In any case, it’s always pleasant to see someone I haven’t seen in a while.

6.  Running into other friends who I see fairly regularly but have been out-of-town for what seems like FOREVER.  I was watching this lady swing at the park, admiring her pretty yellow shirt, then saw the kid playing nearby who was hanging off some bars like a monkey.  I was smiling and thinking how it looked like the child was having fun when all of a sudden I realized I knew the kid!  It was my little friend E, which meant the lady in the pretty yellow shirt was my friend D.  As silly as it sounds, I’m pretty sure I blurted out “D!” in a shrill tone because I was *that* excited.  I was able to refrain from running like a goon.

7.  Packing a lunch.  I often don’t think about or don’t have (make) time to pack a lunch when we head out for a few hours.  Today, I made myself take something so I would be sure to eat.  It’s amazing how eating regularly improves my mood AND keeps the headaches at bay.

8.  Sending a kid for an overnight.  B doesn’t get to go very many places overnight, so it’s always fun when it does happen.  This particular friend usually comes to our house, but B occasionally gets to accompany the kid to meemaw’s house.  They both find it exhilarating, and mamas get a break.  It’s the best of both worlds!

9.  Getting a new plant.  My friend works for a florist and every once in a while brings me a plant.  I rarely splurge on buying non-food-producing plants, mostly because I’m a horrible gardener and don’t want to waste my money.  When my friend gives them to me, I take better care of them because I don’t want to be rude BUT if I do happen to kill them, at least I haven’t wasted money.

10.  Truck driver.  We have a regular truck driver for our co-operative.  This truck driver is congenial, super helpful and treats us like we’re awesome.  When delivering the produce to the store, he always unloads the pallet and takes the food to the cooler, stacking it tetris-style so as not to take up too much room.  Last order, a different driver came and while he was also nice, it just wasn’t the same.  I was so glad to have D back, and told him so.

11.  Record keeping.  I’m not the most organized person (you’re shocked, right?) but I do keep decent records for our produce co-op.  When something comes in bad or not at all, like this week, I’m thankful for keeping those records to show for credits.

12.  Yummy dinner I didn’t have to cook.  You may have figured out by now that M does a lot of the cooking.  I am a lucky lady when it comes to meal times.

13.  Chocolate.  Mm..Aldi has pretty decent chocolates, BTW.

14.  Computer mouse.  The one I had been using crapped out.  Thank goodness we had a spare in the garage.  Unfortunately, that one got crap on it.  Eww.. Anyway, I got it cleaned up, sanitized, etc. and it’s almost as good as new.  Most of the time I don’t really need to use a mouse, but when I start working on spreadsheets it is a necessity!

15.  Getting to see what has been chomping on my tomato plants/showing the kids.  Yeah, it’s cool to know that, but what’s even cooler is the spontaneous learning that took place upon discovering it.  This is what homeschooling is all about for our family.  We found the worm, so we discussed what it ate, why it ate that, how it ate that, what would happen to it, whether we should move it or kill it or leave it (we settled on leaving it because M was so impressed with its size).

tomato worm

According to google, this is a tomato hornworm who will eventually turn into a five-spotted hawkmoth, or a manduca quinquemaculata.

30 Days of Gratitude ~ Day 4

04 Sunday Aug 2013

Posted by DoulaSummer in family, lessons, parenting, reflection

≈ 2 Comments

1.  Free food.  I was blessed today with several jugs of free milk, some cereal and juice.  FREE food.  I love food, but I love it even more when it’s free.

2.  Scotch tape.  M ripped part of a page out of C’s book this morning and it’s now good as new, sort of.  C went from tears to joy in seconds.

3.  Grandmother B.  She took the time to call me back today when she didn’t need to and complimented a recent news article that quoted me.  She always takes an interest in what I’m doing, which always makes me feel good.  She has quite a few grandkids and great-grandkids to keep track of these days, so it’s pretty special to know she continues with that task.  I hope I can provide that for my grandkids (if I have them) someday.

4.  Friends who answer the phone.  I was having a parent of a teen mini-crisis today.  I need you to talk me down, man.  Haha!  Be my friend long enough and you can expect at least one call like this.  It’d probably be a lot more interesting if I was actually high on something, instead of just emotional.  But I digress…K did indeed talk me down and in the process helped me feel a lot better about some other things bothering me that I didn’t even realize were bothering me until we talked them out!  I feel so honored to have such great friends.

5.  Friends who don’t answer the phone (but call back).  One of my other friends, H, who also parents similarly, wasn’t available during my mini-crisis. If she’d been available, I might have missed out on a great conversation with K.  Strange how that works, no? She did call me back later, though, so I was able to bounce my thoughts (whines) off her as well.  In less than hour, I got to revel in the groovy-ness of not one but two people I’m lucky enough to call friends.  And that is something to be immensely grateful for.

6.  Generous kids.  When one of the kids wants something but the other kids don’t have money, they usually offer to buy something for the others.  This is especially true if they want to go to McDonald’s, which eats most of their allowance.  I think I may have had some influence on this by not wanting to go places when only one has money to spend, but whatever, I’ll take it.  It’s still ultimately their choice whether to share the “wealth” or not.

7.  I-44 Surplus Discount Store.  This store is the reason we eat so many high-ticket gluten-free meals in our house.  It’s about two miles from my house, making it easy to bop over there often enough to score good deals.  As you may have noticed, I like my food and that is why this store makes my list of gratitude.  It’s also set up in such a way that the three older kids can roam while still being within earshot and without getting into much.  If you’re a parent, you know how awesome that is!

8.  Allowance.  While I’m grateful to have the money to give them an allowance and grateful to provide the opportunity for the to learn about money in real, tangible ways without the lifelong negative impact some of us had, what I’m *most* grateful for is the reason to not have to buy lots of extras.  We have a limited budget and it’s hard to feel like I’m not giving the kids every little thing they want.  With an allowance, they choose what to spend their money on.  Yes, that toy/candy/CD/movie/hat/weird-looking-whosit-whatsit IS really cool.  Do you have your allowance?  This is freeing for me and valuable to them.  Maybe that makes me awful, but I appreciate it nonetheless.  Hey, at least I’m honest.

9.  Kids who are old enough to go into the store alone.  Oh my goodness!  The gift of sending one of the kids in to pay for gas while I pump!!  Having toddlers in carseats is made immensely easier by having older kids who can do small errands.  It also totally rocks when they like to do it, which is most of the time.

10.  Visiting a friend’s new home.  Some family friends just bought their first home and I was finally able to go see it.  They’ve worked quite diligently to fix it up, including yard work and a complete kitchen renovation.  It was beautiful to see them in their own place, the pride they had in showing me around and hearing what plans they have for it.    I feel grateful to be a part of their lives and to share in their joys.

11.  Recognizing and acknowledging my faults.  The particular one I’m grateful for recognizing today is jealousy.  While visiting my friend’s place, I had to actively work at being happy for them only instead of jealous.  Jealousy sucks and has done some pretty nasty damage in my life.  I do NOT want to repeat that and I do NOT like the way being jealous makes me feel.  I’m grateful to know these things, to see when this pops up for me and to work on it.

12.  Hopes and dreams.  On days like this, when my eyes turn green with envy and PPM (poor, pitiful me) smacks me in the face, I’m grateful for the hopes and dreams I cling to for dear life.  It’s so easy to become disillusioned, nasty and bitter.  I’d rather have the hopes and dreams, thanks anyway.

13.  Giving back.  I try to always fully appreciate when people do kind things for me, such as bringing me free food or listening to me whine, by giving back when I can.  The way that gets accomplished is varied.  Sometimes, all I can do is simply say, thank you. Today, I was able to immediately give back something tangible, for which I am wholly, truly grateful.  Give and take is important, I think, to this life.  Giving helps us continue feeling connected to each other.  When I eat the food I was given, I will think of my friends and smile.

14.  Liniment.  A family friend makes this in gallon batches, then gives us a bottle.  She told me once what was in it, but I can’t remember now.  It’s good stuff.  We use it on scrapes, scratches and more.  I like having things that help us heal and avoid infection, especially when I know who made them.

15.  Super glue.  I totally used this on my favorite pair of Birkenstocks today.  They’re pretty old, I think about 5 years, but I love them so much.  I bought them “used” (quotations because they looked brand new) from eBay for less than $20.

16.  Mama-to-mama time.  Sweet moments of chatting on a couch as one person to another, eating pie.  Seeing friends in a new way, appreciating the unique qualities that make her, well, her.

17.  Pie.  I went to a friend’s house tonight (at 9:00!!!) to eat pie.  From Slice of Pie.  There’s really nothing more to say, is there?

 

Today’s thank you note goes to Grandmother B:

Dear Grandmother B,

Thank you for taking the time to return my call this morning.  I greatly appreciate how you always ask what is going on with me and how I am, taking the time to comment positively if you’ve read or heard something about me recently.  I know you have many grandkids (and now great-grandkids!) to keep track of, so it is really something to feel so special and noticed.

Love,

S

 

P.S. Two of the friends I mentioned today also blog:
Losing the Glass Slipper
Hopeful Insights

Random

02 Friday Aug 2013

Posted by DoulaSummer in community, life path, midwifery, midwifery education, parenting

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

community, midwifery, midwifery study, parenting in poverty, poverty

Here are some posts in the works:

Blackberries and ancestors, connection and babies.  My friend described picking blackberries at her home as a “holy mission”, which I thought was kind of weird.  Until I went picking last week, then again today.  Free food makes my heart sing.  Seriously.  I have a food “thing” and to know that I was gathering something to be used later that was costing me only time and energy was FANTASTIC!  I took all the kids, plus friends, so I eventually wound up wading through the thorns while nursing M in the Ergo.  Poor baby, I caught a leg on a nasty thorn…thank goodness for the miraculous healing properties of breastmilk, just pop a boob in the mouth and voila, all is forgiven.  I try to remember this when I get annoyed with toddler-nursing-gymnastics and the resulting assaulted feeling.  I thought about what my ancestors (I was mere feet away from my family’s land and it is highly possible that the spot I was picking was in the family at some point) felt when they were picking berries here.  Did they?  Was it a woman, a mother like me?  Did she hold her baby and nurse or did another mother sit close by?  Just as I feel connected to all the mothers who ever were or will be when I give birth, so too did I feel this very real connection to long-ago berry pickers.  How interesting.

In keeping with the random theme, this picture has nothing to do with the actual post....I just really like it!  My friend Shellei of www.goddessgarb.comdyed this gorgeous cloth.

In keeping with the random theme, this picture has nothing to do with the actual post..I just really like it!  www.goddessgarb.com dyed this gorgeous cloth.

Midwifery is everywhere!  New page to highlight my journey.  Even though this blog is obviously mostly about birthy stuff, I do write other things and sometimes it feels strange to have them all in the same spot.  I also realized that I enjoy reading about students of midwifery and their paths, so perhaps some would be interested in reading as I go along my path of midwifery study.  Check out the page linked above often to see what I’ve added.  My intention is to write once a week (or so) about what I’m working on and what my thoughts are.

Community.  Building it, feeling it, leaving it.  I’ve been feeling an increasing sense of community…this community…the community I was born into, where most of my family resides, where the majority of my growing up years were.  This community has sustained me through some rough waters and I want to give back, am trying to every day.  I also have this idea that building and supporting my community now will encourage my community to support me when I am a midwife.  This is taking many forms, from a produce cooperative to the various support groups I’m hoping to have up and running this year.  Of course, part of this is also because I know there’s a chance we’ll leave at some point (maybe for a time, maybe for good) and it’s important to me that I leave here having encouraged the best community I can.

More on poverty.  I have about three different posts concerning poverty in the works.  They are so difficult to finish.  How much do I say?  I can’t believe this, but poverty and talking about poverty are controversial!  How do I phrase things in a way that encompasses the magnitude without hurting others or placing blame?  Hopefully, I’ll figure this out sooner rather than later.  I did happen to catch a very apt quote in a book I’m reading, Voluntary Simplicity: Toward a Way of Life That Is Outwardly Simple, Inwardly Rich (Revised edition) :

Poverty is involuntary and debilitating, whereas simplicity is voluntary and enabling.  Poverty is mean and degrading to the human spirit, whereas a life of conscious simplicity can have both a beauty and a functional integrity that elevates the human spirit.  Involuntary poverty generates a sense of helplessness, passivity, and despair, whereas purposeful simplicity fosters a sense of personal empowerment, creative engagement, and opportunity.

Parenting, of course.  I’m working on a poem or memo or letter to myself that will go something along the lines of “Don’t forget this”, as in:

Don’t forget what it was like to live life at the whims of a tired, cranky 2 year-old.

When you see that mama in the store struggling to keep it together, remember.

Force yourself to push through the lovely memories that (thank goodness!) cover the haze of those darker moments.

REMEMBER and help her.

30 Day Challenge.  I’m on day two of a challenge I’m undertaking to remind myself of all the kind, generous, wonderful people/places/things I have to be grateful for in my life.  I hope to have that posted in the next day or two!

Random ***day

13 Thursday Jun 2013

Posted by DoulaSummer in birth work, doula work, family, finances, miscarriage, miscarriage healing, mothering, parenting

≈ 4 Comments

I have several blogging friends and they come up with clever, catchy titles for regular posts such as “Tuesday Tidbits” (from another birth-y blog) or “Sunday Size Up” or “Un-Wednesday” (if you’re an unschooler, check it out!).  I keep thinking I’m going to do that, but the reality is that I don’t post regularly…when was the last time I posted??…so a catchy title for regular posts probably won’t work.  I came up with a ***day so I can post about whatever I feel like whenever I feel like it and still have it be a “regular” feature.  And I bet you thought I was just trying to use curse words in a post title!  This works because it’s my blog and I can do what I want, right? 😉

First up..parenting.  Parenting is hard.  Parenting little beings is really hard.  Parenting little beings in addition to older beings is hard.  I’m pretty sure I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again and again until it sinks in or makes me feel better.  This is not to say that I hate it all the time or that it’s horrible or anything like that.  It’s just hard.

You know what else is hard?  Not having money.  And by not having money, I mean not having enough to go around.  As in, choosing to let something you really want to do go because groceries come first or paying the electric bill a bit late because teeth need fillings ASAP.  It sucks.  It makes parenting hard too.  The stress and weight of trying to climb out of a hole while constantly feeling pushed back in is overwhelming at best, deadening at worst.  It can leave us bitter at friends who have money (which is no fault of their own), society and more.  I don’t like to talk about it because it feels whiny, even right now I’m debating about taking this whole section out.  I have umpteen posts started about this subject because while there are tons of posts out there about “cutting back” or “living frugal”, I don’t see a lot written about the emotional aspects of lacking money.  Perhaps that is because the standard lines involve not having kids (which is great unless you’ve already had them…they don’t go back in, you know!), working harder, getting more jobs or other things that just aren’t much help.  I want to talk about how it invades every fiber of your being and no matter how hard you try, it can’t be shaken.  This article by Cracked.com was supposed to be funny, but for those who were or are in the “gauntlet” (as he calls it) the reality doesn’t produce much giggling.  And I can imagine that there are at least a few people who will read this paragraph and think to themselves either I’m a whiny bum who should just get a job and shut up or that I should manage my money better.

Moving on….

I’m trying to do better with my family.  I’m working harder on being respectful, looking at them as people instead of “my” children, taking them into consideration on every aspect that allows me to and so on.  Of course, this leaves little time for anything else.  That would be okay if there weren’t anything else I wanted to do, but there is.  Too much!  This is the downside of having a “world revolves around me” attitude….if I don’t do it, who will?  There’s only me!  (And yes, I realize this is not helpful and often quite stupid of me, but hey, I’m working on it!)  I have really cut my online time to the bare bones, I’m getting rid of tons of stuff in my house so I have less to deal with on a daily basis and I’m attempting to become a bit more organized in life.  I have to.  Something has to give.  I’m going to go insane if we continue at this pace.

I’ve been reading “The Willed Curriculum, Unschooling, and Self-Direction: What Do Love, Trust, Respect, Care, and Compassion Have To Do With Learning?” after finishing up “Escape from Childhood“.  Both of these books are great reminders to respect the young people in my house as people as opposed to “my” children or even just “children”.  Aren’t their needs, wants, thoughts, desires just as important as mine?  However, I also have to acknowledge that there are times it is precisely because I think of them as “my children” who I grew inside my body, gave birth to, nourished with my breasts and so on that I don’t hurt them!  It can be very, very difficult to respect another human being when they are running after you trying to hit or kick or bit and screaming “I hate you!  You’re stupid!” or throwing Superman into the toilet for the fiftieth time this morning.  If the person doing that were *just* another person that wasn’t my child, I would behave much differently than I do with my child.  So, there has to be a balance in there somewhere.

I also am recognizing, accepting, and working through the fact that IF I’m going to pursue my own interests, it’s imperative that I both encourage/support the people in my house to do the same (even when it’s inconvenient) AND ensure that I’m spending the time I have with them in a way that lets them know they are important.  The nature of serving in birth involves being called away at inopportune times, so it becomes essential to balance the needs of the families I serve with the needs of my own family, who should come first but will most certainly, at times, come second.

Lots of interesting things going on in “my” birth world these days.

After working for over a year to get it off the ground, there’s finally a pregnancy/infant loss support group in this community!  While I think it sucks that we need this resource, I am so grateful we now have it (there is and has been a grief group facilitated at the hospital, but it is not specific to this type of loss).  Families experiencing the death of their children, whether in-utero or earthside, greatly need and deserve a safe space to discuss with other parents the unique grief that these experiences present.  I simultaneously feel inadequate and so deeply humbled by these families.  Their stories, their journeys, are horrible yet beautiful.  They are always stronger than they realize,  wiser than they know, surviving even though they’re going through their lives with these holes that no one and no thing can ever fill.  It’s quite an honor to be trusted to have a tiny part in someone’s grief journey, albeit a painful, gut-wrenching honor.

On a lighter note, I’m delighted to be officially taking birth clients again!  This has been a long maternity leave for me that was very much needed but also left me feeling awful every time I turned away a mama.  I will have to be mindful of overextending myself, though, so thank goodness my husband is a bit more practical than I am (even though I have a tendency to take this for granted and/or get really annoyed).  I intend to keep my clients to a maximum of two a month for a while.  Of course, even that “maximum” may take a while to get to, it’s not like I’m beating potential clients off with a stick!

Finally, I stumbled upon an online midwifery study group that fits my erratic schedule perfectly.  I’ve been coveting a class with my favorite midwife, but until that becomes a reality, I have this to hold me over.  We’re working our way through a midwifery syllabus and supporting each other in learning as much as we can, all at our own pace.  I’m having tons of fun, even though my studying is mostly done in tiny pockets of time during naps or between little kids bedtime and my bedtime.  It feels good to have a little structure but no pressure.  We only just started last week, yet I already have learned so much!

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Midwives, Doulas, Home Birth, OH MY!

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Missouri Midwives

  • A Mother's Love Birthing Center
  • Baby Moon Midwifery Service
  • Columbia Area Midwives
  • Dar a Luz Women's Care
  • Homebirth, Naturally
  • KC Homebirth Midwifery Services
  • Northeast Kansas Homebirth Service
  • Peaceful Beginnings Midwifery
  • River City Birth Midwifery Services
  • Safe Journeys Midwifery
  • The Birth Whisperer

Midwifery Friendly Locals

  • Foods for Health
  • La Leche League of Rolla
  • Peaceful Beginnings Doula Services
  • Talk Birth Childbirth Education Classes

Local Support Organizations

  • Mindful Mothers Natural Family Living Network
  • Rolla Friends of Missouri Midwives
  • Rolla Postpartum Support Group
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