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Midwives, Doulas, Home Birth, OH MY!

Category Archives: lessons

Love from Grandma

26 Sunday Oct 2014

Posted by DoulaSummer in family, guilt, lessons

≈ 1 Comment

**Possible trigger warning: I am going to include details about my Grandma’s death that some readers may find disconcerting.**

My Grandma first became ill in 2008, a few months before I gave birth to my third child. She eventually recovered from that particular health issue, only to face breast cancer. While she was alive during this time, I did not see her much. I found her to be different from the woman I had known my whole life and somehow managed to convince myself that either she was already dead or would someday miraculously return to her vibrant, no-nonsense self. I don’t recommend either of these coping techniques, though they did keep me somewhat sane for a long time. I was able to see her on occasion without thinking about what was really happening or what I might be missing out on. To be fair to myself, I had a lot going on in my own life over those years, including having a miscarriage, another kid, a year dealing with the mental fallout after having said kid, and all the ins/outs of having a busy life….though I also admit this is a paltry excuse.

 

At my wedding in 2010

At my wedding in 2010

A few months ago, I was forced to deal with the reality that she was indeed alive and dying. There were a host of emotions that came along with that, guilt for not being more involved over the past several years, missing the woman she was, fear of losing my aunt as well, and guilt. Did I mention guilt? A LOT of guilt.

I did my best to do what I could with what seemed like the little time we had left. I helped where I could, which was precious little compared to her primary caregivers: my aunt, her husband, my cousin. The most I could do was take on the role I take best, doula, and support them in their endeavors. Truly, this proved much harder because I was also facing my own emotions at the same time. I tried to set them aside to be supportive of those doing the hard work. Was I successful? Who knows.

In my loftier, enlightened moments, it felt sacred to bear witness to this event. My internal struggle with guilt sometimes left me drained, but when I let go of that and was able to just be, it felt more like the honor it was. At other times, it felt horrid and cruel to watch this amazingly strong woman wither away. I felt privileged to have some lucid moments with her, moments where we could talk like we used to and she maintained the same eloquence I’d always loved about her. Throughout my life, I always felt like Grandma understood me, even when she probably didn’t. This was a remarkable quality about her, one I have yet to master.

me: “Grandma, how did you do it? How did you manage to not lose your mind when your kids were younger?”

Grandma: “You just do it. You do what you can, with the information you have at the time.”

As the end seemed nearer, it got harder to pretend like I wasn’t feeling sad. I chastised myself for feeling sad, as it seemed selfish when she was so obviously suffering! It also felt selfish because I wasted precious time with my false reality and my aunt was suffering right alongside her with both her own feelings as well as exhaustion/illness from the role of primary caregiver.

One of the last times I visited, there were tears a plenty. I simply walked in and saw my aunt laying with Grandma, then lost it. We spent a lot of time that day just holding hands, something so seemingly small or trivial and yet so deeply intimate.

visit

 

These last visits, I started to be able to see beyond my own sadness to the privilege of what was happening. We were being granted time to say things that needed to be said, hear things that needed to be heard and to walk with her as she approached death.

A few hours before she died, I went to her house. I couldn’t sleep, so I texted my aunt to ask if it was okay for me to come. I told my husband how silly I felt going because there didn’t seem to really be a reason, I just wanted to be there. I couldn’t explain it. My aunt prepared me for what I might see and the plan was for me to sit with Grandma so she could get some sleep. Instead, we gathered around Grandma and held her while she died. In some ways, it was incredibly enigmatic, an experience I will never forget. It was also slightly horrifying because it’s not something we see very often. The parallels to birth are overwhelming (someday I want to write about that). Often, my aunt and I remarked how easy it was to see the similarity in dying/death to laboring/birth. We cried, we laughed, we checked to make sure she was actually dead multiple times, we regarded with horror the fluids her body expelled, we wondered what to do next. When the fluids had finally exited her body, we decided to clean her up and dress her. We acknowledged that she, her soul, her essence, her whatever-you-want-to-call-it, was gone and that this was simply her body. Logic may have told us that, but it still felt important to honor this body. We wiped her down with warm cloths, then followed up with scented oil. After that, we picked out the outfit she looked beautiful in, that she liked, and laid her as if she were sleeping. To me, it was a final act of love, of treating her body with the same dignity and reverence as she had always treated us.

10633572_10152431048671185_4809637636483600863_o

In the afternoon, I posted this to my Facebook page:

At 2:40 this morning, my Grandma and Donna’s mother, died. This woman embodied honest and unconditional support. We are lucky to have grown up with such love….love that didn’t need to be expressed by words because it was, and is, so deeply felt. I have yet to meet a person who thought she was anything less than amazing. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that this magnificent woman & the gifts she gave us live on through us. I would not be who I am without her influence, which was mighty and flows in me. Her single dip ice cream cones were the stuff of legend.

She died at home, being held by her daughter & best friend Sis, Henry, devoted & loving grandson Jesse and myself. Just as there is beauty found in opening to the sweet surrender of birth, so too is beauty found in opening to the sweet surrender of death. It was an honor and a privilege Grandma, one that I will treasure always. Thank you. For all that you were and so very much more.

Over the course of the next few weeks, it became my task to write up something to say at the Celebration of Life my aunt was planning. Here is what I wrote:

I’ve been trying to write something about Grandma since before she died. I wanted to write some poignant, eloquent piece about the gifts she imparted, who she was to me and how very thankful I am to have known her. Here and there, a beautiful little blip would float through, but nothing like what I wanted~nothing that was capturing the thoughts, expressing the emotions. Over and over, the dominating thought has been love. I have to write about love.

I hadn’t given much thought to love and Grandma together until Sis and I were talking once in Grandma’s room. I think it was a week or two before she died, but I can’t remember exactly. Sis mentioned that, to her memory, Grandma had never said “I love you”. This became a profound moment for me, for my understanding of Grandma and our relationship, and then, for my understanding of my own self. I thought about this revelation. Was it right? Had I heard those words from Grandma’s mouth? Surely I had! The more I thought about it, the more certain I became that Sis was indeed right (as usual). And yet, I have always felt so deeply and truly loved by her. How was this possible?

What I came to realize was that everything she did, everything she said and everything she was conveyed love. It conveyed acceptance, support and understanding, often with minimal words. Now, this not to say that she *approved* of everything I did all the time. In fact, she was one of the few people who put me in my place as a teenager. Somehow, though, she managed to convey that she thought I was being stupid, yet respected that it was my right as a human to do stupid things, and she would love me in spite of said stupidity ~ such as running into her gate as an act of rebellion against my mother or stealing a tube of lipstick from her friend’s store.

She was fierce and brave and wise. She was honest. She made amazing ice cream cones. She was my Grandma and she will be missed.

celebration of life

 

30 Days of Gratitude ~ Day 17

24 Saturday Aug 2013

Posted by DoulaSummer in family, lessons, parenting, reflection

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

30 day challenges, gratitude

1.  Beautiful day for the park.  We had plans to go the park with cousins today, so it was a delight to see the sun and feel the cool breeze.

2.  Enjoying cousin time.  I can’t quite describe how much I enjoy seeing my kids playing with my cousin’s kids.  It brings back all the fun memories I have of playing with my own cousins, something which I hope they will also look back on fondly some day.

3.  Enjoying cousin time.  I appreciate that *I* enjoy spending time with my cousins now, as an adult.  I especially enjoy feeling that way about those who aren’t “blood” related, but married into the family.  The lady on the bridge in the picture below is one of my favorites.

4.  Having fun at the park.  I’ve been making a concentrated effort to enjoy park time with the kids.  I leave the phone in the car and don’t expect to “get things done”.  Instead, I plan to follow M around (the only one who really needs supervision these days) doing what is requested.

5.  Running into friends I rarely see.  I’m accustomed to seeing people I know when I’m out and about; it’s one of the hazards of living in a small town since birth.  In any case, it’s always pleasant to see someone I haven’t seen in a while.

6.  Running into other friends who I see fairly regularly but have been out-of-town for what seems like FOREVER.  I was watching this lady swing at the park, admiring her pretty yellow shirt, then saw the kid playing nearby who was hanging off some bars like a monkey.  I was smiling and thinking how it looked like the child was having fun when all of a sudden I realized I knew the kid!  It was my little friend E, which meant the lady in the pretty yellow shirt was my friend D.  As silly as it sounds, I’m pretty sure I blurted out “D!” in a shrill tone because I was *that* excited.  I was able to refrain from running like a goon.

7.  Packing a lunch.  I often don’t think about or don’t have (make) time to pack a lunch when we head out for a few hours.  Today, I made myself take something so I would be sure to eat.  It’s amazing how eating regularly improves my mood AND keeps the headaches at bay.

8.  Sending a kid for an overnight.  B doesn’t get to go very many places overnight, so it’s always fun when it does happen.  This particular friend usually comes to our house, but B occasionally gets to accompany the kid to meemaw’s house.  They both find it exhilarating, and mamas get a break.  It’s the best of both worlds!

9.  Getting a new plant.  My friend works for a florist and every once in a while brings me a plant.  I rarely splurge on buying non-food-producing plants, mostly because I’m a horrible gardener and don’t want to waste my money.  When my friend gives them to me, I take better care of them because I don’t want to be rude BUT if I do happen to kill them, at least I haven’t wasted money.

10.  Truck driver.  We have a regular truck driver for our co-operative.  This truck driver is congenial, super helpful and treats us like we’re awesome.  When delivering the produce to the store, he always unloads the pallet and takes the food to the cooler, stacking it tetris-style so as not to take up too much room.  Last order, a different driver came and while he was also nice, it just wasn’t the same.  I was so glad to have D back, and told him so.

11.  Record keeping.  I’m not the most organized person (you’re shocked, right?) but I do keep decent records for our produce co-op.  When something comes in bad or not at all, like this week, I’m thankful for keeping those records to show for credits.

12.  Yummy dinner I didn’t have to cook.  You may have figured out by now that M does a lot of the cooking.  I am a lucky lady when it comes to meal times.

13.  Chocolate.  Mm..Aldi has pretty decent chocolates, BTW.

14.  Computer mouse.  The one I had been using crapped out.  Thank goodness we had a spare in the garage.  Unfortunately, that one got crap on it.  Eww.. Anyway, I got it cleaned up, sanitized, etc. and it’s almost as good as new.  Most of the time I don’t really need to use a mouse, but when I start working on spreadsheets it is a necessity!

15.  Getting to see what has been chomping on my tomato plants/showing the kids.  Yeah, it’s cool to know that, but what’s even cooler is the spontaneous learning that took place upon discovering it.  This is what homeschooling is all about for our family.  We found the worm, so we discussed what it ate, why it ate that, how it ate that, what would happen to it, whether we should move it or kill it or leave it (we settled on leaving it because M was so impressed with its size).

tomato worm

According to google, this is a tomato hornworm who will eventually turn into a five-spotted hawkmoth, or a manduca quinquemaculata.

30 Days of Gratitude ~ Day 16

24 Saturday Aug 2013

Posted by DoulaSummer in lessons, reflection

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

30 day challenges, gratitude

I didn’t do so well on this day.  I’ve gotten lazy about writing out my list through the day, so now I have to go back and think about what I was grateful for…what did I even do on this day??!

1. Pay day!  This probably doesn’t need any explanation…

2.  Groceries.  I have a minor food “issue”.  If we ever were rich (financially), I’d probably spend the majority of our money on food.

3.  Paying bills.  Every bill paid means less we owe later, more responsibility, etc.  While watching the bank account dwindle down rapidly is not exactly my favorite, paying the bills and knowing they’re paid do feel pretty good.

4.  Acquiring boxes for free.  My neighbors just received all their stuff from Alaska, so they’ve been unpacking in the front yard while the kids play.  I finally got up the nerve to ask what they’re doing with all the boxes and packing paper, and came home with a garage full of boxes!

5.  Packing boxes.  I’m proud of myself for packing a little bit here and there, instead of waiting until the last-minute.  This is not my strong suit, I procrastinate by nature.  Changing my nature in favor of a trait that works better when managing a busy household is no small feat.

6.  Cleaning house.  Packing is helping me clean out, de-clutter, re-prioritize.  I accumulate things and it feels good to let some of it go.  It also feels good to get rid of feeling like my house is coming in around me.

7.  Kids getting along (at least for a bit).  Ah, the sounds of all the children playing together.  Rare in this house and oh so precious.

8.  Phone that works the way it’s supposed to.  YES!  I have had two “smart”phones now, neither of which led me to believe smartphones were the way to go.  This new phone (free, BTW) makes me understand why people love them so much.  I can do everything on this phone!

9.  Making a shop list and sticking to it (sort of).  I feel so accomplished when I do this, not to mention the money I save.  I still buy super sale items, as money allows.

10.  Sales.  I really like shopping at Kroger.  I used to think they were more expensive, but after shopping there for a while I found that they were often comparable to other stores and when they have sales or mark down items going out of date, they are cheaper…sometimes even cheaper than Aldi!  They are coupon-friendly, plus you can register your Kroger card online to get digital coupons and a weekly free item.

And here we are….I didn’t make it to fifteen.  I’m pretty sure this is simply because it’s actually the following week and I just can’t remember what I did on this day.  Making a list throughout the day is imperative to the functioning of this challenge!

30 Days of Gratitude ~ Day 15

23 Friday Aug 2013

Posted by DoulaSummer in lessons, reflection

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

30 day challenges, gratitude

In case you’ve been wondering, I keep a running log of gratefulness throughout the day that I translate into a post later.  So, even though I’m not getting the posts up every day, I am doing the “work”.  🙂 1.  Lower prices.  Ordering produce is like a crap shoot; I never know what the price will be until I call in (or email) my order list.  Sometimes there are items that have gone up in price, which I usually cancel unless it’s a minimal jump that doesn’t translate into more than a few cents per order.  Sometimes, though, items go down in price, which always feels a bit like winning the lottery.  What’s that?  I thought everyone was going to have to pay $5/lb and now they’re only paying $3?  YEAH!   2.  Pleasant sales person.  I usually deal with the same sales rep. and I appreciate the time taken attending to the needs of my co-op, reworking prices when there’s a problem, chit chatting about this or that (today I was told that ice cream was indeed a perfectly acceptable breakfast after commenting that our ordering was best done via email due to my amazing parenting skills of feeding kids ice cream first thing in the morning…now that is service!). 3.  Email “groups”.  I love the gmail feature that allows me to put multiple contacts into one group.  When it comes time to email the produce group, I simply type in “organic produce” and bam! it pops everyone in.  I can’t imagine how frustrating and time-consuming it would be to manually put in each address. 4.  Lovely weather.  We’re heading out to a park today, so I’m grateful that it’s not too hot or too cold.  Perfect. 5.  Playgroups at the park.  We have a weekly playgroup with other home schooling families.  Today it was at one of my favorite parks. 6.  Visiting with friends.  We’re at the stage now where I don’t often get to actually visit at playgroups, but instead spend the time following M around.  He’s adventurous and quite capable for being just two, but he still needs some supervision.  Anyway, on this day he spent most of the hours within eyesight and I was able to visit with friends! 7.  Kids getting along.  Ah, what a rare gem this is.  With four kids, someone is always fighting with someone.  It’s enough to drive a mama batty.  For a glorious amount of time this afternoon, all the kids were getting along. 8.  McDonald’s Happy Hour.  We live within two miles of a McDonald’s and have to pass it anytime we come home or go anywhere.  This is super convenient when we need it as well as horribly awful because we stop way more than we should.  Every day from 2 – 4pm, they have $1 off cafe drinks for “happy hour”, which the kids (and me) like to take advantage of.  L and I split an iced coffee, the younger ones get a chiller for $1. 9.  Azure Standard.  We’ve been ordering a few things in bulk for over a year now, but we just started with this new company.  They give you the option to order just one or the bulk, so that’s a cheaper way to try out something.  The prices are low, comparable to most stores in this area and cheaper on several items.  Feeding my family good, whole food without breaking the bank is important to me, so I appreciate this company. 10.  Diligence.  This has been imperative during our house search. 11.  Friends who babysit at the drop of a hat.  Also super helpful during our house search. 12.  Easy dinner for family.  I’m in a cooking funk lately, so I appreciate having quick, easy things to fix. 13.  Take out dinner for me.  I had a meeting tonight, so after dinner was fixed for my family I called in an order from Jimmy John’s to be delivered to the meeting place.  Yum! 14.  Recognizing the power of language.  At my meeting, I used some words that I realized were probably not conducive to having a positive continuing dialogue.  It wasn’t my intention to hurt anyone’s feelings or be rude, but I had to recognize that words have an attached meaning in our society, often independent of whatever intention I may have in speaking them. 15.  Acknowledging when I misspeak.  Or maybe this should say “ability to swallow pride and admit I was wrong.”  Either way, I’m grateful to recognize and acknowledge when I need to make amends since I’m sure there are times I overlook this.

30 Days of Gratitude ~ Day 13

22 Thursday Aug 2013

Posted by DoulaSummer in lessons, reflection

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

30 day challenges, gratitude

1.  New phone.  WooHOO!!!  I’ve been waiting and waiting to get enough reward points or for the cell company to have a good promotion so I could get a new phone for cheap. The time finally came and I am so grateful to say goodbye to my glitchy old phone.

2.  US Cellular.  I was so excited to have enough accumulated to get my new phone that I ran to the store without really thinking through the timing or the insanity of taking three rambunctious kids into a business.  Considering how long it took, they actually did well.  Even more impressive, though, was the accomodating staff.  No one blinked an eye when they played dead in the middle of the store or tried to play with every. single. phone.  In fact, one of the employees noticed them holding a sonic screwdriver, then spent a while discussing all things Whovian with them.  Another told B it was okay to play games and videos on the model phones, which allowed the last twenty minutes of our long visit to be peaceful.

3.  Pizza.  I don’t know why pizza is so good, it just is.  The whole family likes pizza, so we have it fairly often.  What is it about the oozing cheese??

4.  Family Video.  For me, this place does more than sell movies.  It was my ticket to freedom when I needed to get out of a bad relationship.  It symbolized a new life for me and is actually the place I met M.  It served me well as a life step.  I have many reasons to be grateful for this place and I feel them every time I step foot in there.  It feels like a place of comfort, an old friend.  Of course, the movie selection isn’t too bad either.

5.  Crockpot recipes.  I have a bunch of black-eyed peas that are just languishing in my pantry.  Like an good domestic goddess, I posted on Facebook asking for recipes.  A friend posted one for the crockpot and I decided to give it a whirl.  It wasn’t bad at all!  I didn’t have all the ingredients and winging it isn’t exactly my strong suit, so it probably could have been better.  It’s always good to have new ways to cook things, especially in the crockpot.

6.  Toaster oven.  We got rid of our microwave last year because it stopped working.  We switched over to just a large toaster oven.  Several months ago, it also stopped working (maybe our food kills appliances???) and we haven’t ever gotten around to buying a new one.  It’s not horribly inconvenient, just energy inefficient.  Anyway, a friend happened to be giving one away and we are now the proud owners of a new-to-us toaster oven.  Convenience rocks.

7.  Chatting with good friend.  T and I have been friends for a long time, almost 10 years now…wow!  We should have an anniversary or something.  She’s really awesome and really, truly my bestest best friend.  I can tell her anything.  We used to go to each other’s houses and talk for hours upon hours.  Then, we each had two more kids and well, conversations get clipped into phrases between potty or snack or fighting or a million other little things.  I highly value the times we are able to get five minutes of uninterrupted chatting.

8.  Paying it forward with books.  When I first started expressing my desire to serve families during birth times, friends passed along books, tools, sculptures and anything else they thought I might like (I am the proud owner of an antique breast pump).  I have appreciated the slow accumulation of materials via generous friends who support my passion as well as my own occasional purchase.  As I’m clearing out my things in preparation for moving, I decided it was time to let go of some of the books I don’t use often or don’t need.  I was able to pass them on to another friend who is on her own birthy path.  Being able to support someone else in this passion feels amazing and is only a tiny part of tangibly giving back from those who support me.

9.  Bleach.  I know, I know, it’s bad and blah, blah, blah.  It also cuts mold/mildew like nobody’s business.  It’s the only substance that gets my toilet even remotely clean (still not actually white or anything, but better).  I also *gulp* like the smell, even as I can feel it burning my nose hairs.

10.  Recycling Center.  It’s multi-purpose…learning experience for the kids who like to help (throw glass), getting rid of things in my house, helping out the environment a teeny tiny bit.  Lots to be grateful for.

11.  Fixing things.  I thought I broke the *new* coffee press.  Luckily, half asleep husband was able to get it fixed.  Whew!

12.  New breakfast dish.  Yum.  I love food.  Seriously.  M whipped up something last-minute that I will definitely be putting into rotation.  It was shredded potatoes, whisked eggs and cheese, thrown into the oven for a bit.

13.  Movie time with kids.  I used to (still do sometimes) worry that we watch too much TV.  There are times, like this day, hat I can sit and appreciate this family activity.  We make jokes, snuggle on the couch (well, some of us), eat snacks and talk.

14.  Similar humor.  It’s fun being a family and finding similar things funny.

15.  Bed.  I’m surprised this one hasn’t come up more in this challenge.  I really do like my bed and going to sleep in it.

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Midwives, Doulas, Home Birth, OH MY!

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