Much to my delight, my friend is scaling down her birth book collection and last week she brought over some goodies for me to peruse. One of the books she had just happened to be “Helping Hands: The Apprentice Workbook” by Carla Hartley. It prompted me to double-check that mine was still on my shelf (it was), although hers was in much better condition. Anyway, my horribly ripped/stained copy is not really the point of this post! I am embarrassed to admit that I have picked this workbook up a couple of times and read through it, but I have yet to really sit with it….until today.  I hope to post soon about some of the other questions posed (my answers to them).  For now, here is what I wrote tonight in my journal:

Working on the apprentice workbook. The line says, “I am taking the following steps to make midwifery a reality” …. um …. am I?  What AM I doing? Right this minute, I think I’m setting up my community for better birth, better support. It’s a stepping stone, I hope, toward my ultimate goal of being a midwife. I mean, really, if I don’t encourage and support the mamas on their paths to loving births, how can I expect anyone to support me? It *feels* like I’m setting up my future, their future, OUR future. Of course, I don’t really know that. What if I’m wrong? Can I be wrong, is it EVER wrong to support families, to bring more options, more information? What if we move and never come back? Will the networks I’ve tried to build live on and continue to support families? I hope so!

And, is this helping me on my path? My long, long, winding, long path. My path that always seems so s-l-o-w. It could be faster, oh yes. Put the kids in school, move closer to my (hopeful) mentor, work my ass off, cut everything back to the bare bones hoping not to struggle. It could be done. Would I regret that? I don’t want to find out. Better to be frustrated, taking it slowly as my family can handle, than to rush.  They deserve better than a splintered mom who misses far too much answering the call of another family. And yet, I wonder, is that already here? Am I already splintered, answering many calls to fill the void where midwifery goes? Or is this what midwifery is….learning as I go, adding a skill for this family, a tool for that family…will I look back one day and see clearly that I was right where I needed to be all along?