I haven’t written here in what feels like a really, really long time. I can barely manage to find time to check my email or pop on Facebook for more than a few minutes these days, even though my schedule hasn’t changed drastically and I can’t seem to find a definitive reason for the change.
Prior to my 30 Days of Gratitude challenge, I joined a terrific online midwifery study group. I felt like the stepping-stones on my midwifery path were finally starting to line up, as opposed to the slim-sham, hop-skip-and-a-jump pattern they’ve taken in the past. The group was going well, I signed up for a free online course from Coursera, my favorite midwife was going to be starting a new class this fall with a distance option I could use and the kids would be … ah yes, the kids.
They’re getting older now, they don’t need me as much, with our new place we’ll have a better routine and everything is going to fall into place. WRONG!
As I moved through my challenge, it became obvious to me that I was being completely unrealistic about my time, my finances and my family’s needs. Damn. The reality, when I finally chose to see it, is that my older two need even more now. They no longer need me to get them dressed or bathe them, but they do still need to be able to talk to me often, drive them to their insane amount of activities (oldest joined the dance team, be still my dancer’s heart!), cook them meals/remind them to eat and just in general, be here.
I am so glad I can recognize that now instead of regretting it later. However, that doesn’t make it any easier to follow through with. I struggle with finding time for me, my interests, my pursuits…sometimes I even struggle finding time for my poor husband. He seems to think I’m kinda cool and wants to hang out with me too. Does anyone else ever feel pulled in five million directions?? AHHH!!!
So, where does this leave me with my midwifery journey? I honestly don’t know. I can only pull back so much; it’s gone too far now. I can’t put mamas on hold and I can’t put my kids on hold. It’s a delicate, intricate balancing act that isn’t always balanced. Some days, I can put most of my focus on the kid’s beautiful painting projects or video game highlights or Supernatural trivia. Other days, I have to push them to the back to assist a mama or family. Often, neither one feels wholly okay. I’m always letting someone down. And then I think, It’s okay Summer, you simply can not be everything to everyone. Be you and do what you can.
In the end, will that be enough? I don’t know. What I do know is that I deeply desire to have children who know, with every fiber of their being, that their mama loves them and thinks they are important to her life. And also, that I deeply desire to be of service to birthing families and just can not fully turn my back on them.