On February 25, The Amethyst Network celebrated their first annual Day of Hope and Healing.  Since I’m a bum and always late to *everything*, my post about it is a few days late.  Ah well, at least I’m consistent.

baby loss bump

First “bump” picture just days after finding out I was pregnant.

I’m not sure where to begin.  Hope?  Healing?

I feel and see hope daily.  I see it in the faces of the newly pregnant mamas, dreaming about their in-utero babies growing in their bellies.  I feel it in the sense of awe that comes from watching a baby slide out of mama to join us earthside.  I am a hopeful person and always have been.  I hope for a better future for my children, I hope for better care for pregnant and new mamas, I hope for loving support and grace for mamas experiencing loss and I hope, every day, for one less mama to join this awful club we’re in.

But is the feeling of hope enough?  For me, the answer is an unequivocal NO!  Feeling hope is NOT enough…there must be action.  What can we do to inspire hope to others?  To shine a light where there is none?

Healing….well, that one is more difficult.  Healing takes time, lots of time, and a surprising (at least to me) amount of effort.  Our losses are so deep, so raw, so very personal.  Is it possible to heal from something we can’t even accurately describe??

I wish I had more answers, but the more I look, the more I dig…the more questions I find.

I don’t feel “healed”.  I still think about the baby-to-be-that-wasn’t often.  I feel sad and mad and guilty.  The “loss” is wrapped in many, many layers that I don’t want to look at or pick through.  I count my children, acutely aware that one is missing.  That knowledge makes me feel weird.  How can I miss something that barely existed?  How can I “count” a child that I never met?

All these questions, all these thoughts are what propel me on a journey of reflection, of learning, of support….with the hope that I can be a tiny part of someone else’s healing, even as I struggle with my own.