During Mother Blessings, we encourage mothers to write down and burn their fears, speaking them out loud if they so choose. In this way, we can take away the power of the fear by meeting it face-on, as well as watching it ‘blow away’ during burning. This seems appropriate for the fear about our appointment tomorrow. I’ve done all the paperwork, prepared in every technical way I can. My heart is still filled with a fear that I can’t shake. In the wise tradition of my female community, I offer up recognition of these fears. I am not my fear.
1. What if I’m right? If I’m right, then a label may follow B around forever. Will that be a hindrance or a help? Will our entire lives change? Why did it take so long to figure it out? Didn’t I know? I am the mother after all!
2. What if I’m wrong? Then, whatever is going on is all my fault…something I did or didn’t do. How did it get to this point? How will we get any help?
3. What if there’s no answer? Will we be stuck like this forever, unable to communicate, unable to get each other at all?
4. What if it’s something entirely different (worse?) than we thought? I don’t even know where to begin with this one. What if it’s something we can’t ‘fix’?