Yesterday was not a great day.  I was short-tempered with my family, especially the child who needs my patience the most.  These “bad” days almost always lead to both vicious cycles of berating myself and deep self-reflection.

I woke up in the morning fairly tired, which I should be used to by now.  Even when I think I’ve slept well, I haven’t.  I’m waking multiple times, often for no apparent reason.  In addition to those random wakings, the little one wakes at least a couple of times to nurse.  I usually just pull my shirt up (when I bother to wear one) and fall back asleep, but lately it seems more trouble than before.

After getting up, I decided to get on the computer to check in with my online class.  Unfortunately, the littles had different ideas.  This led to several back-and-forth frustrating episodes before I finally acknowledged they were trying to tell me they needed my attention more than the computer did.

And so the day went…tantrums from children who are pushing the last nerve, regret about the absurd handling of said tantrums, worry about how we’re going to continue to deal with problems way out of our knowledge base (when is that appointment again?!!) and finally, a mama on the verge of tears.

As I attempted to find zen in the never-ending dishes, I lamented about how it’s hard to have a clear and direct path for what I am increasingly feeling like is a calling while trying to stay true to my conscious choice for raising our children a particular way.  Yeah, yeah, first world problems and all that, I know.  Whatever, they’re *my* first world problems and feel huge some days.  So huge, in fact, I have an entire post (or maybe an article to submit somewhere) about getting over myself and my ego to do what I can do *right now* for mamas and families, to do what needs to be done as opposed to what I want to do.  But I digress…

I made a commitment to my family, to my children and to my husband that I sometimes struggle to keep.  Lately, it feels more like a battle and the more I allow it to feel that way, the worse it gets; the deeper I sink into unhappy oblivion.  Life was a lot easier when I didn’t have my own desires outside of the family.

I know, I know that these days are numbered.  I’ve been here before, at least the never-ending days part, so I have the bonus of recognizing that it won’t always be this way.  They will get older and need me less, a little less every day.  I will long for the day when they want to crawl in my lap and snuggle my neck.  And yet, in the thick of it, when I just want five minutes to read a paragraph in one sitting, to finish a phone call, to think straight…..I long for those seemingly far-off days.

I wish I could step back, forget everything else that calls to me except for them.  I don’t know how to do that, how to find the balance.  Is that even possible?  Instead, I wonder if it’s possible that I will always feel at war with myself.  At war with the various needs and wants of not only myself but also those around me.  And yet I keep seeking peace.  I hope I find it.

Advertisements