The topic of circumcision is quite possibly even more heated and more passionate than the topic of home birth or licensing midwives (and that is saying a LOT). Online discussions about it very quickly turn into vehemently spewed insults and accusations of neglect or abuse. Often these discussions do not even include persons who choose to circumcise, but simply those who advocate for the option to be available or those who are considering it. Here is my (son’s) story:
I was 20 years old when I had my son, but I was not your typical twenty-something. By that time, I had already been married for almost three years and had a two-year old. I was fairly educated about birth and considered myself pretty informed about most matters. We found out we were having a boy around the middle of the pregnancy, so we had time to discuss whether or not to circumcise him. My then-husband, L, was very adamant that his son look like him, that he not be “different” in any way. I offered studies, pictures, videos, tirades and tantrums…all to no avail. With the clarity of hindsight, I see that he probably would not have intervened had I simply not taken the initiative to get it done. At the time, though, I felt his opinion on the subject was important and that it was more his “right” than mine to decide.
The pediatrician I chose was very middle-of-the-road and explained the procedure, in detail, to us. When I mentioned that I wanted to be there, he said it was fine but that most parents didn’t want to see, especially fathers. I felt that it was only just that I be available to comfort my baby as well as see exactly what we had decided to do to him. I made clear that I expected his father to be there as well. The decision was made, the appointment was scheduled.
We brought him to the office for the procedure, and the pediatrician asked one more time if we were sure we wanted to be in the room. He looked at L when he said this, who quickly took the opportunity to dash out the cracked door. I, however, was not about to leave. I took B’s clothes off and laid him on the board. I could barely breathe from the huge lump in my throat and the pit in my stomach was overwhelmingly heavy. I yearned to run from the room but felt helplessly trapped in the decision “we” made (why didn’t I run??!!). B was very calm, unaware of what was about to come. His arms were left unbound, so that I could stroke them and hold them. The pediatrician told me he was going to start; the last thing I remember coherently is the scalpel coming towards him.
I stared into B’s eyes, willing him to understand and saying out loud that I was right there and he was okay. I watched his pupils get large, saw the tears well, heard the cry of pain….we were both crying. A million thoughts ran through my head: Why am I doing this? Where is his father? I should leave now! It’s too late, I can’t! How can I do this to my son? What kind of mother am I????
And then I saw B retreat into himself. He stopped crying, his eyes clouded over and he was gone. The vacancy in his eyes was (and still is) haunting. I kept talking to him through my tears. I told him it was almost over and I told him I was sorry I did this to him. I will never forgive myself. Will he ever forgive me? I will never forget this moment. I will remember this and I will relive it. I will kill his father for not seeing this.
It felt like those moments lasted forever. As soon as they were done, I undid the straps and held him to me. I controlled my tears, stuffed my anger and listened to the instructions on post-care. B came back to me, seemingly unaffected. I wondered, Did anyone else see his retreat? But it didn’t matter, I saw it.
On the car ride home, and the next few days, I said as little as possible to L. I felt he had betrayed our son at the deepest level and I’ve never looked at him the same since; I’ve never looked at myself the same, either. Every time I see him without clothes on, a pang hits my heart. When I birthed two more boys and left them intact, I grieved for B and wished I could go back in time. Some nights I dream about it. There are not many parenting choices I’ve made in twelve years that I feel are wrong, but this is one. And it’s a big one. I can never go back, change it, make it right.
I write this out for me. I have carried around this guilt on my shoulders for nearly ten years. I have thought about it, worried about it, wondered about it. I have to move on, but I do not have to forget. I have to let him decide whether to be upset about it or not…it is the only gift I can give him where that is concerned. And, if he chooses, someday I will show this to him. I will tell him that I made a mistake and he paid the price; I will tell him that sometimes we hurt the people we love most, even when we don’t intend to; I will tell him that the experience changed me and protected his brothers; I will tell him how incredibly sorry I am and how I should have stood up for him. But I won’t forget. Ever.
Brave and beautiful post. I’m grateful that my husband is on board with me about not altering our potential future son in this way without his consent. This is a discussion that so many people are not having and should. I’ve heard that state medical programs for the low-income are going to stop paying for circumcisions since they are so unarguably elective and aesthetic- and I worry this will add a stigma of economic status to be attached to the issue.
There was a time that state insurance stopped covering, but then they went back to it. With the new information about the AAP and other similar groups officially calling it cosmetic, it’s hopeful that it will not be covered anymore.
Thanks for commenting!
Very touching. I grieve for the pain you and B went through. It also makes me extremely grateful for the support my husband gave me when we decided for W to remain intact. ((Hugs))
Thanks Beth!
I can only imagine what that must have been like. I watched a video shortly after S was born and I bawled my eyes out. I’m so grateful that he wasn’t circumsized. We had planned to (sadly, hadn’t given it much thought otherwise), but the pediatrician we chose said he didn’t feel comfortable doing it bc he had less foreskin than the average and if we wanted to have it done he could refer us to a specialist in the city. That prompted me to do research and wow, I am just so grateful it wasn’t done!
Wow, Shawntae! I’m glad your son was spared and that the pediatrician had a little foresight!
As a mother: I agree that this was a very moving and brave post, and I’m glad to hear that you made a different decision for your next 2 sons. I’m so thankful that I learned the truth before I had any children and protected my 3 beautiful sons (with their father’s agreement). When you described how your son’s eyes clouded over, it reminded me of a couple times when one of my sons has fallen and bumped his head and seemed to pass out for a second from the pain. Reading your entry made me realize that it was probably the same thing, but only for a few seconds from a minor head bump. I can totally see how babies would react that way during circumcision, to a greater extent, and appear to be “sleeping.” I’d always heard that, but never seen it (since I’ve never witnessed a circumcision), but now I have an idea of what that means.
As a doula: I disagree that it’s the right of the family to make the decision. HIS penis, HIS choice. As doulas we support the mother’s choices for HER birth and HER body (including breastfeeding or not), but this goes beyond those boundaries. Knowing what you know, having seen what you saw, how can you support a family that makes this decision? Of course you can’t make the decision for them, and of course as doulas we can’t coerce them in any way, but you CAN choose the clients you work with. You, and all doulas, can (and I feel, SHOULD) make it known up-front that you cannot support this kind of unethical choice on behalf of a non-consenting child. Some doulas provide info in the pre-natal meeting(s), then have the parents watch a video and sign a waiver if they still want to have their son circumcised (with a very low rate of parents who still want to circumcise at this point). Others will refer the parents to another doula if they insist on circumcising. If you inform the parents and then choose to refer them to another doula, they will still be supported and you will have stood by your convictions. You KNOW this is wrong. I just don’t see how you can stand by while a family harms their child in this way.
Hi Rebecca,
Thanks for your kind words.
As for the professional side of things, I feel very black and white about my role in advocating for parents…either I believe that parents are the best decision makers for their children or I don’t. I recognize that many disagree, and that’s okay.
I had a very similar experience with my son, whose name also starts with B. My husband ended up staying in the room but he fainted (!) in the middle of the procedure and the nurse and doctor started attending to him and left my son strapped on the operating table. It’s by far the biggest regret I have in my parenting. My son is 5 and I still think about it a lot. I was also very glad when I found out that my next child was a girl. I would never let another son go through this. Thank you so much for sharing – you’re not alone.
Wow! He fainted?! I have often wondered how many fathers would allow this to happen to their son if they saw what was actually happening, and I always suggest that parents-to-be watch the procedure beforehand so they *know*.
Thanks for sharing your experience. Regret is hard.
Powerful. Thank you so very much for sharing. There is a collection of moms and dads who have written similar stories at Keeping Future Sons Intact (you are not alone!) and we would love to share your words with others in the peaceful parenting community to encourage parents to delve deeper before their little one is born.
If you would like to do so, please drop a note to us at DrMomma.org@gmail.com
Thank you again for writing so honestly and openly – surely you’ll save future babies as a result.
(((HUG)))
How awful that you still feel that others should be allowed to hurt their sons in this way. Circumcision harms, every time. We don’t allow/support parents to make an informed choice to cut their girls’ genitals without medical indication, and we shouldn’t for their sons.
Thanks for commenting, Hannah. I respect that you feel that way. I also feel very fortunate that all of my clients, to date, have either had daughters or chose not to circumcise, so I haven’t yet had to “try out” my professional standpoint beyond providing the information/evidence. My hope is that our society will get to a point where we recognize the cruelty in this procedure, but I’m not sure that taking a defensive standpoint is the best way to go about it….at least for me. As I said to another commenter, I don’t feel that I can pick and choose, either I think parents are the best decision makers for their children or I don’t.
I am not here to be judged. I am in turmoil about this issue. My first son was circumcised because my husband wanted it done. I have always felt badly about it. My second child is a girl, so I didn’t have to worry about that decision. I am now due with another son in 5 weeks. My husband and I haven’t talked about our plans yet. I know he assumes that we will circumcise our second son. I wish that my first son wasn’t circumcised, and now that he is, I don’t know how he would feel if I didn’t do the same to his brother. Will there be problems in the future for them to be different, will they care, should I do it again so that there isn’t that difference, is there that big of a difference in the way a circumcised and uncircumcised penis looks? I’ve never seen an intact man before. I have seen friend’s young sons that are intact…it really didn’t look much different at all from my circ’ed son. What’s the big deal about a son ‘looking’ like the father in that way? I don’t want to search for images because I know I’ll just get sent to porn sites.
I’m going to talk to the doc, my husband, then the doc and my husband together. I hate it, but I know I’m going to be sobbing during the whole time. Please be nice in your replies.
Oh my, I am so sorry I didn’t see this until now. I don’t know what you decided to do, but I hear you on your turmoil. I hope that, whatever your final decision was, you feel at peace with it.