I previously wrote about feeling “gray” and subsequently feeling better.  I was hanging clothes on the line this morning, enjoying the quiet cool, when I realized that I’m still not there yet.  The me I used to be hasn’t re-emerged yet.  Then I started wondering….is she ever coming back?  Or is this the way I am now?

I am absolutely better than I was three and a half months ago.  I am not in tears most days, I do not constantly feel overwhelmed by everything, I’m not scared to be alone with the kids for long stretches of time, I don’t worry about the baby as much and the list goes on.  But, and it’s a big BUT, there are other thoughts and feelings that I wish would go away.  I have a shorter fuse than ever before.  I get angry over things that never used to bother me.  I spend long periods of time sitting on the couch wishing I was doing something else other than sitting on the couch, but can’t seem to get up and do anything else.  I long for bedtime when I *might* get a few minutes to myself before falling into bed, exhausted from doing….???  I feel like a failure most days.  I feel judged even though I’m pretty sure I’m the only one keeping score.  My kids don’t get the attention they deserve and oftentimes get irritation/anger/frustration they don’t deserve.

I put on a happy face and pretend like everything’s normal, which it sometimes is.  What am I supposed to say?  I wanted four kids and now I can’t handle it?!  Besides that, I know there are people who have more to deal with than me.  I have a friend who can not drive for an unspecified amount of time….and she has three homeschooled kids.  I have another friend who can barely walk some days due to a foot problem…and her job (besides being a “single” mother most of the time) requires her to not only be on her feet, but chase after quick little animals.  They’re getting along okay.  Why can’t I?