I previously wrote about feeling “gray” and subsequently feeling better. I was hanging clothes on the line this morning, enjoying the quiet cool, when I realized that I’m still not there yet. The me I used to be hasn’t re-emerged yet. Then I started wondering….is she ever coming back? Or is this the way I am now?
I am absolutely better than I was three and a half months ago. I am not in tears most days, I do not constantly feel overwhelmed by everything, I’m not scared to be alone with the kids for long stretches of time, I don’t worry about the baby as much and the list goes on. But, and it’s a big BUT, there are other thoughts and feelings that I wish would go away. I have a shorter fuse than ever before. I get angry over things that never used to bother me. I spend long periods of time sitting on the couch wishing I was doing something else other than sitting on the couch, but can’t seem to get up and do anything else. I long for bedtime when I *might* get a few minutes to myself before falling into bed, exhausted from doing….??? I feel like a failure most days. I feel judged even though I’m pretty sure I’m the only one keeping score. My kids don’t get the attention they deserve and oftentimes get irritation/anger/frustration they don’t deserve.
I put on a happy face and pretend like everything’s normal, which it sometimes is. What am I supposed to say? I wanted four kids and now I can’t handle it?! Besides that, I know there are people who have more to deal with than me. I have a friend who can not drive for an unspecified amount of time….and she has three homeschooled kids. I have another friend who can barely walk some days due to a foot problem…and her job (besides being a “single” mother most of the time) requires her to not only be on her feet, but chase after quick little animals. They’re getting along okay. Why can’t I?