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I have often considered myself a balanced parent.  Even with my first child, I did not seem to suffer the common “nervous” ailment of so many new parents.  Somewhere along the way, though, this changed.  Perhaps it is because I plan for M to be my last baby, and therefore my last chance to do it “right”, or maybe it is because I had never experienced loss in such an intimate way until recently.  Whatever the reason, my laid back nature has been laid to rest.

Each step of this baby’s journey has been more anxious filled than any of the others and each step of the way I keep thinking it will go away.  During my pregnancy, I felt concern over little twinges I probably wouldn’t have noticed before.  In labor, I felt comforted by the audible sound of baby’s heartbeat, even though I knew he was fine because I could feel him kicking the entire time.  The first few days he was here, I checked constantly to make sure he was breathing okay.  It took me a few weeks to sleep soundly with him, not waking every few minutes to hear him breathe and make sure he was still alive.  Then, I wasn’t sure he could hear us (granted, being deaf is not the worst thing in the world).

I am calming down a little more each day, but there is still an undercurrent of fear that I wish would go away.  It hasn’t expanded to the other children, I still feel just as nonchalant as I always have.  I have to wonder if it will always be there or if it will fade completely.