March 28, 2010

This was supposed to be my pregnancy announcement post, but instead it’s my non-pregnancy announcement post.

Our method of birth control since our son was born over a year ago has been the “if it happens, it happens” approach.  We knew we wanted to have one more child before finishing that chapter of our lives, and although we were hoping for sometime in September, we weren’t too worried about conceiving before then.  So, when I realized I was pregnant a couple of weeks ago, we quickly moved from “Oh shit!” to “Yay!”.  I have always found myself one of those people who loves pregnancy whether it’s timely or not (which is a definite plus since I have yet to actually plan a child). 

June 5, 2010

The above post has been sitting in my drafts area for far too long.  At first, I just couldn’t really form the words to even begin explaining.  Then, it seemed like too much time had passed.  Next, I thought that re-opening my thoughts might bring back the pain that’s really always there anyway…just usually hidden away in my heart where no one can see it.  Finally, I realize that I need to open up and release all that stored sadness, fear, longing.

I think I intended the post to be about the Japanese word for a baby who isn’t here with us, either from miscarriage, stillbirth or abortion, a “water baby” or mizuko.  My friend and sister in miscarriage club wrote about it here.  Now though, I can’t seem to find the words.

June 27, 2010

Last night I had a dream.  I dreamt that I woke up this morning pregnant.  In my dream, I was dismayed for all the reasons I would be dismayed in real life.  I am planning a wedding centered around a dress (a very expensive dress) that will absolutely NOT work for a pregnant me, I need just a bit more time with my little one being the “baby”, I really (REALLY) want to plan at least one child, several of my friends are pregnant right now and it feels important for me to be there with/for them instead of having my own baby at the same time….the list goes on and on. 

It feels strange, though, to both want a baby and not want a baby at the same time.  I feel constantly pulled in two directions.