One Year Ago…

14 Saturday Apr 2012

Posted by in babies, birth, children, family, labor, midwifery care, postpartum, reflection, thoughts

≈ 2 Comments

My sweet baby joined us earthside.  I can NOT believe it has been one year already, although in many ways, it seems like he’s always been with us….like they all have, really.  It feels strange to have two significant birthdays this year.  My “baby” will become a teenager soon and my youngest will no longer “officially” be a baby.  While all my children’s births have their special memories, these two births stand out as the ones that have had the most impact.  But, that is a post for another time.  Today, I want to reflect on him, his birth and the journey we’ve been on for the last year (well, if you want to get technical, it’s been almost two years).

When I think back on my pregnancy with him, I three words come to mind: fear, uncomfortable and beautiful

Fear:  Sometimes, my husband and I look at him and marvel.  We remember, all too well, how many times we wondered if he would make it here.  We remember the fear of those first couple of months, when it seemed as though he was only tenuously holding on inside me.  Every pain, every not-completely-normal (and some normal) feeling was scrutinized…whether we wanted to or not.  We chose to have not one but two ultrasounds in those early days, fearing the worst and crying with relief when we saw a little bean jumping around on the screen.  I tried so hard to let go of the fear, but it was always there, lurking just below the surface.  The naivety I had in my previous pregnancies had been wiped away and the difference was stark, unavoidable and scary.  There is no safe point anymore.  This has been the undercurrent of my journey with this babe; the knowledge that at any time, any place, he can be gone in a second.

Taking a minute from wedding prep to notice the growing baby bump (11weeks)

Uncomfortable:  This was the most physically demanding pregnancy I’ve had.  My body was tired, always complaining of this or that.  My veins pulsed, my butt hurt, my feet ached.  My nose grew with my belly.  I kept saying to my husband that it was a good thing this was our last child, as I wasn’t sure I could do it again.  I finally was able to understand the women who didn’t enjoy every second of their pregnancies!  I was UNcomfortable, but still I felt….

Beautiful:  I am lucky in this aspect.  It doesn’t matter how big I get (and this last time, I got HUGE!), or how uncomfortable I am, I enjoy being pregnant.  I feel beautiful and lush and womanly.  I feel ethereal and like a goddess.  There is nothing, for me, that compares to the art of growing a baby.  Something happens to us when we are with child, something magical that we just can not help.  It is what draws me to pregnant women and it is what makes me feel so beautiful when I am pregnant myself.  I love it.

When I think back on my labor and his birth, I feel an intense gratitude for the many people who made up my birth team.  I feel a deep sense of she-ra warrior pride in myself.  I feel humbled at the sacred miracle that is birth.

There were times this year that the days seemed long and dark, but remembering feeling his head, breathing him out and looking at him for the first time gave me strength.  I think about climbing up the mountain to meet him and coming back down with him in my arms, and I know that I can do anything.  I am womyn, hear me roar.

*The* moment

His birth was truly phenomenal.  He is truly phenomenal.

Smiling at 3 days old

Those first days, weeks, months were rough.  We spent the first week barely getting out of bed, he and I, just nursing and staying down.  After that, we took our time, moving at a much slower pace than before he came.  We were learning each other, trying to find our way back out of the labyrinth.  I got lost a few times, but he was always there.  On those days when I wondered what was wrong with me, I remembered his birth day and looked at the light in his eyes…they compelled me back.

7 weeks

We’re taking pictures this afternoon for his special day, and I hope to capture the few remaining “baby” features he has left….the fatty tops of his feet, the smiles he gives me, the look when he nurses.  They’re fading so fast now and I just want to hold on to them.

Happy Birth Day my Milo!

Enjoying his last "1st" card from Grandma

Sleeping birthday boy!

 

 

100 Posts and a Summer History Lesson

10 Tuesday Apr 2012

Posted by in advocacy, birth, FoMM, home birth, legal midwifery, legislation, life path, lobbying, midwifery, reflection, responsibility, thoughts, women's rights

≈ 2 Comments

In honor of my 100th post on this blog, I thought it would be fun to look back on why I started blogging in the first place.  Enjoy!

You may not be aware of this, but I have a lot of passion about midwifery (you’re shocked, right?).  Over time, this passion has led me to do many things, not the least of which is throw my energies into political activism (at least on the state level).  I wasn’t always this vocal, though…well, maybe I was but not in a blog format.  The blog part of it came about in 2007.  I originally started out on Blogger, which was great for getting my feet wet.  Click here for the old blog; I’ve linked to the first post I ever made, so you can read through my “evolution” if you’re bored and want to waste some time.  :)

In the early days of visiting the Capitol. Free the Midwives Rally (I'm coming down the stairs in the way back!)

I still remember coming home from my first trip to lobby at the Capitol and feeling so disgruntled.  I learned more in that one day than I learned in years of social studies/civics classes…and I paid attention!  I was so ANGRY, but didn’t know where to go with it.  Facebook wasn’t big yet, so I thought: Why not a blog? Then I can say whatever I want, whenever I want!  I came up with the name because of the way legislators acted when midwifery was brought up, very similar to the characters from Wizard of Oz.  Sometimes, they would be fearful like the lion, other times they were ignorant like the scarecrow (although the legislators didn’t have the excuse of being made without brains…they were just choosing not to utilize them) and, even worse, at times there were legislators who seemed not to have hearts, like the tin man.  And so, “Midwives, Doulas, Home Birth, OH MY!” was born. This blog has morphed into more of my personal journey than I originally intended, so I have toyed with the idea of changing the name to reflect that.  However, I just can’t bring myself to do it.  I love the name!

This blog has followed me through several life changes, including a marriage, two pregnancies and births, and many more.  It has served as a way for me to sort through my feelings/thoughts and (hopefully) provided some support for others going through similar trials.

Anyway, I like to think that although my original purpose has changed slightly with the legalization of midwifery in Missouri, there is still that passionate thread running through here.  I feel strongly that it’s important to accurately reflect where I’m at, my struggles and my triumphs, as well as various articles or blogs that I find relevant/interesting to this journey of life.  Thanks so much for coming with me and I sincerely hope that you’ll stick around for the next 100!

Having a Baby on a Budget |

08 Sunday Apr 2012

Posted by in babies, birth, home birth, insurance, midwifery, parenting, pregnancy

≈ 4 Comments

Having a Baby on a Budget |.

I love this blog!  I read it all. the. time.  I’m subscribed.  I even comment!  Anyway, Stacy and Barry run a great blog and are super-friendly.  For example, yesterday she had a guest post on a crockpot meal and I asked the dumbest question ever, which was answered quite quickly and courteously even though it was plainly addressed in the article!

Anyway, planning for baby expenses is just smart.  Especially for those of us (*ahem*) who are not so great at planning the actual babies.  Barry addresses how to save for the hospital bill, but I wanted to add some other thoughts in there.  While I acknowledge that not everyone wants to birth outside the hospital and that finances should NOT be the main reason you choose where to have your baby, it IS a consideration.  So, here are my go-to money-saving tips for pregnancy/birth/babies.  I’d go on to older kids, but, um, my ten-year-old is eating us out of everything, every day and my twelve-year-old grows every five minutes.  Seriously!  Oh yeah, back to the savings:

1.  Have a Midwife-attended home birth.  The cost savings is tremendous!  Well, to be fair, my last hospital birth was twelve years ago.  BUT, twelve years ago, her uncomplicated, vaginal birth cost $16,000.  That was doctor fee and hospital fee.  NOT prenatal or postpartum care.  BIRTH ONLY.  I don’t know about you, but I don’t have that kind of money!  In comparison, two years later (in Florida), my prenatal/postpartum care and the birth of my son cost $2500.  No, that is not a typo.  $16,000 vs. $2500.  In addition to being cheaper, midwifery care is whole-woman-centered as opposed to medical care, which is notoriously NOT whole or woman-centered.  Home birth isn’t for everyone (although I believe every woman could benefit from a midwife’s loving presence), but it’s certainly worth checking into.

My Midwife rubbing my back during early labor

2.  Decline routine tests, procedures and interventions.  Many parents seem unaware that some tests, procedures and interventions are not required and/or may not be necessary depending on personal circumstances.  In addition, each may come with its own set of risks/benefits.  Taking some time to familiarize yourself with the routinesset forth by your care provider (and hospital or birth center if going that route).  It is possible that there are some prenatal tests you can or want to opt out of.  For example, during my third pregnancy, we chose not to have an ultrasound (without insurance, these can cost up to $700).  We didn’t want to know the sex, had no risk factors for complications, knew that we would not choose termination if we were told our baby had a birth defect or other issue and felt that we’d prefer to look forward to meeting our baby instead of being concerned if we saw a potential problem, so we chose not to spend the money on that procedure.  In addition, when thinking about your birth plan, keep in mind that each intervention will be an additional charge.  An example of this would be an epidural analgesic, which (according to an online search) runs anywhere from $400 to $2000.  If you have insurance, I suggest calling them beforehand to find out what/how much they cover.

2.  Breastfeed.  This is hands-down the most wonderful and most effective way to reduce the cost of having a baby.  It really doesn’t get any better than this.  Breastmilk is what babies are designed to eat and what mothers are designed to give.  It doesn’t get much better than FREE.  It costs you nothing.  Lift up your shirt and bam! dinner time.  Plus, it’s super easy.  No bottles to clean, no formula to mix, no worries about whether the water is clean or the right temperature or whatever.  As long as your breasts are there, your baby has his/her food source.

7 week-old nursling

3.  Cloth Diaper.  I have now mostly cloth-diapered four kids.  I added up once about how much I thought I spent on them and came up with less than $500.  I did buy many diapers used, have been given some, etc., but still….how much do you spend on dipes at the store?  Remember, that’s $500 for four kids!  If you haven’t checked out cloth diapers lately, have a look…these aren’t your grandmothers diapers.  These days, cloth is just as easy as disposable, plus there is pretty much a diaper out there for every taste/style.  You can get ultra fancy or keep it minimal.  I have a mixture of both, but I prefer any kind of all-in-one diaper.  This just means that there is nothing to do but put the diaper on and take it off.  Easy peasy.  If you want to get really crazy, you can try EC.  ;)

Isn't that an adorable bum cover?!

4.  Buy used and wear hand-me-downs.  Garage sales are your best friend when kids are involved.  In case you didn’t know, they grow out of everything super fast, especially if you grow mega babies are born wearing 3-6 month clothing.  Anyway, garage sales, thrift stores and friends with kids just a wee bit older than yours are three ways to keep the clothing costs down.  Occasionally, I buy something that’s on sale cheaper than I could get it used, but the majority of my kids (and my) clothing are used.  One great bonus of having three boys in a row is that the clothes that aren’t totally dilapidated get passed to the next one.  I mentioned having friends in larger sizes and this has been a life-saver!  We are involved in a homeschool playgroup, and have been blessed to have so many hand-me-downs.  I always ask the group before I go out and buy something…often, someone has exactly what I need sitting around their house.  Don’t be afraid to ask!

I’m sure there are many more things that can be done, but these are (in my humble opinion) the biggest money savers.  Saving all that money means you have more to splurge on your baby carrier obsession….or is that just me? ;)

 

In the Still (?) of the Night

31 Saturday Mar 2012

Posted by in children, family, motherhood, mothering, parenthood, parenting

≈ 13 Comments

**Warning**  I write what is in my head and my heart.  Sometimes, it’s beautiful and sometimes it’s not.  This post is not.  I thought about keeping it to myself.  I decided to share it because I feel like it is SO important to hear the real and varied voices of motherhood, not all of which are happy.  I share it because I want you to know, when you see me in the store and it looks like I have everything together, effortlessly, that nothing could be further from the truth.  I struggle.  I fall down.  I veer off the path and find thorns.  I recognize that these darker, scarier moments make up a minority of my time with my children, but they happen and they are here nonetheless.  In my desire to be authentic, I must present the bad, the ugly, the hidden….otherwise, what is the point?

 

In the still of the night, I cried.  I cried with my child, for my child, because of my child. 

What started out as a lovely day turned so quickly it made my head spin.  I stood in the store parking lot, feeling a hot wave of tears and anger well up from deep inside.  Should I go home?  Drag on?  Do I try to work with the tantrum or stand my ground?  He wants everything and nothing, all at once.  I try consoling.  I try discussing.  I try bribing, threatening, leaving, staying, in and out of the car, stand here and do this….nothing works.  I sit in the seat, defeated, wondering how I got here and when it’s going to get better.

Then, the wave subsides and there is calm.

We make our way through the store, on eggshells, trying to get what is needed and get out before the next storm hits our shores.  She is waiting in the car and I long to talk to her, give her the attention that seems to be solely focused on them.  I put on my “happy face” for the store, but my man knows better.  I tell him that now is not the time, I’m holding it together but need to get home.  He follows me out to the car and asks how to help.  I wish I knew.  Instead, I try to instill exactly how I feel:

I am barely holding it together

I want to lay down on the ground and cry

I want to run away

Someone is always upset, I can’t make them happy

Two of them get everything

One gets something

One gets nothing

He asks what he can do to help.  Should he come home?  I tell him no, I’ll be fine.  And I will be.  I know this.  It doesn’t help in the moment, though.  And then the baby cries.  I get him out and plop him in the cart while I load the groceries in the car.  I am silent.  I am still.

The day wears on and I wonder what is wrong.  Is it me?  Is it them?  Why is this so hard?  Why do I feel unglued?  Why am I overwhelmed?  More tantrums ensue, timeouts occur.  Screaming, lots of screaming.  The tears are burning my eyes for hours on end, but I hold it together.  Am I going insane?  Is this what it feels like to descend into madness? 

I try to make things fun.  Let’s go for a walk, plant seeds, play with neighbors…anything to avoid the tantrums.  During those times, there are moments of peace, moments of joy.  Underneath is the constant current of self-doubt.  What am I doing wrong?  Why is this so hard?  How can I keep this up?

Finally, it is evening and Daddy is coming home.  My voice is flat, I can hear it.  He asks, again, what he can do to help.  He gives the little ones a bath, but the baby cries the whole time.  I hear it, in the kitchen, and keep chopping.  My heart stings for him while at the same time understanding that I need a break.  I keep chopping.  After the bath, we eat and then the little ones fall asleep.

Darkness comes and I can breathe

Peace

Moments to myself

Space to myself

All is quiet

The whimpers start

Small, quiet at first

Sometimes they go away, but not tonight

They become yells, screams, demands

I comfort him, to no avail

He fell asleep peacefully, but he wakes upset.  This is not the first time, but today’s events make it seem insurmountable.  There is nothing I can do for him when he’s like this but wait it out.

I hold him, he screams to be put down.

I put him down, he screams to be picked up.

He screams for us to lay down.

I lay down and he screams harder, something incoherent.

He’s crying and kicking and thrashing.

His dad tries to hold him.

He fights and cries and yells for mommy.

Daddy takes him away to calm down, worried about my sanity.

I scared him, he says, I don’t know how to help you, or them.

Eventually, he calms down enough to walk to the bedroom and cuddle up next to me.  He falls asleep, with a few more cries, in my arms.  Thinking over the day, over the words, the screaming, I can’t help but wonder why?  The tantrums over which bowl the food goes in, where I stand, what I say, how I look at him…and on and on.  I know the developmental struggle between independence and dependence.  I know that this will pass, but when and will we be okay?

In the still of the night, I cried.